This Is Halloween: Day 11

Unfaithful lover, long since dead

Deep asleep in thy wormy bed

Wiggle thy toes, open thine eyes

Twist thy fingers toward the sky

Life is sweet, be not shy

On thy feet, so sayeth I!

-Bette Midler as Winifred Sanderson, Hocus Pocus (1993)


Matters of the Sorrowful Heart

We all have problems. We all bear burdens and sorrows. Some we’re able to live with. Others feel like they’ll swallow us whole. It’s such a wretched thing.

Leading up to last week, I was feeling pretty…depleted in an emotional and spiritual sense. My personal burdens were getting the best of me, and these are things I’ve tried to be brave toward for quite a while now. I had reached a place where I was sort of looking to God and wondering where the heck his powers were in making it all go away. My heart felt tired and bitter after working so hard to pray all the time, read my scriptures every day, attend church regularly, etc. I felt peace and beauty in doing all those things, and they kept me so close to Heavenly Father. And yet…my trials didn’t cease.

Last week (and many weeks before that), I felt hollow. Empty. Done. I thought, “If doing any of these things doesn’t GUARANTEE me a permanent solution…then what the heck is the point?!”

I felt frustrated. I felt sad and alone. But I was mostly afraid that this emptiness had become my life. This hollow existence overwhelmed every light there was and all of its warmth. And where was Heavenly Father? Could he hear me? Or did he just stop listening?

This past Thursday, I heard a friend say something that seemed to set something alight in my mind and heart:

Even though we probably would have never chosen our trials for ourselves, Heavenly Father chose us to face them because he knew we could overcome them.

Those words brought my attention to a couple of things that I’ve been ignoring for a very long time:

  1. I didn’t choose the trials, but someone did choose me. Though I find myself weeping and asking ‘Why me?!’ a lot, perhaps I should teach myself to say, “Yes, it is me. And I’m going to be okay.”
  2. My sorrows may be heavy….but they are nothing compared to the pains my Savior carried on my behalf. An imperfect, frustrated, and ungrateful sinner like me was still loved, cherished, and cared about enough to die for (repeat: DIE for!).

After all of those thoughts, it dawned on me that the actions of my Savior never would have been a true sacrifice if it was painless. What would it be worth if it was, you know? And the same probably goes with what I experience and endure in this life. What would something as precious as human life be worth to anyone if there weren’t a few rocks thrown at it? I probably won’t always remember to keep that positive of an attitude, but I’m glad I can look back on this post to remind myself.

Carrying any kind of sorrow is no light matter. It can almost kill us, and there may be days when we’d rather it did. But just as those can feel lethal, we can also prove to be mighty weapons to counteract their blows! Heavenly Father CHOSE us to be. I may not always be as confident in myself as he is in me, but I know I can try to be. I also know that he can teach me to be and, one day, I hope to see myself through His eyes.

Twelfth Night: Act 2, Scene 4

There is no man’s* sides

Can bide the beating of so strong a passion

As love doth give my heart. No man’s* heart

So big, to hold so much. They lack retention.

Alas, their love may be called appetite,

No motion of the liver, but the palate,

That suffer surfeit, cloyment, and revolt;

But mine is all as hungry as the sea,

And can digest as much. Make no compare

Between that love a man can bear me

Alone Much?

Something I’ve been pondering a lot lately is how content I can make myself when I’m alone. It’s not a bad thing, of course. Being by myself can always provide a sense of peace and calm. Sometimes it’s good for a person to be able to just sit somewhere solo, breathe, and be happy in that moment. With themselves. With life. With the sunshine. Anything. Perhaps one can think of it as a treat meant just for them.

However, I’ve been asking myself if I’m a little too good at being by myself. I can’t remember the last time I called a friend and talked for hours on end. I can’t remember the last time I went dancing with the pals. I keep telling myself that I’ll write more letters, plan more get-togethers, and rekindle relationships with people that have gotten a little mild. Why haven’t I by now? What’s keeping me from it?

Laziness is one of my worst flaws. I’m sure that’s a contributing factor. Maybe having a social life really doesn’t matter to me anymore. But I know that people do. The people that totally get me, and fill me up with so much joy, they matter so much. Perhaps making time for them is my issue. I suppose I could wrestle around with these kinds of thoughts for a while.

I’m just worried that I’ve become a little isolated from people is all.

I mean, it’s good to be able to be by myself. But sometimes it might be better to let people in more often, wouldn’t you say?


I Do Not Belong To Fear

Whenever September begins, I feel completely elated because that means Autumn is so close! It’s my favorite time of year. The air grows cooler. The earth’s colors are so warm and cozy. My favorite holidays come up one after the other, which means making awesome memories with loved ones. It all feels so wonderful.

I’ve learned a lot within the time I’ve been away from the blog. I’ve also cried a lot because learning can be so hard, and so can change. But what is hard at the beginning can always turn out natural and beautiful throughout time.

With the changing of the season, I’m hoping to change with it for the better. There are so many ways I need to grow. So many things I need to change and improve. So many things I need to learn, and really apply to my life. The biggest thing being my tendency to be afraid. Afraid to try. Afraid of getting hurt or embarrassed. Afraid of being happy. The list can go on and on.

I don’t want to be afraid anymore because all fear does is hold me back from being my best self. My true self. But even though I know that to be true, I still let fear take hold of my heart. I don’t want to belong to fear anymore.

Perhaps that can be my mantra!

“I do not belong to fear.”

See? I can already feel change stirring in my heart.